Monday, May 23, 2011

This Is Just My Life

Michael Corleone said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” Boy, do I know how he feels. Of course, he was talking about the mob while I'm thinking of a different type of crime family – The Chronic Illness Mafia.

Last Thursday marked day three in bed. I had zero energy. I could barely keep my eyes open and any activity, be it getting a glass of water or letting the dogs out to do their business, zapped me of my reserves. I was exhausted beyond the point of exhaustion. My body felt heavy, especially my legs. So heavy, I checked the foot of my bed to make sure I wasn't sharing it with a horse's head.

Earlier in the week, I hardly felt fatigued at all. I ran errands in the morning, prepared dinner and even went for a nice walk in the evening along the waterfront. I felt good. I paced my activities. I didn't overdo it. I continue to faithfully take all my medications and supplements, exercise ~ I do everything I am told to do. So, why is it that every time I start to feel better, it just pulls me back in?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not only fighting Fibromyalgia and Lyme Disease, but also Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Fibro and CFS are virtually identical in symptoms, the only difference being the absence of tender points throughout ones body. So, it remains a possibility. It's also been speculated that Lyme Disease could be the “catastrophic event” that causes Fibromyalgia or the infection that lingers causing CFS. Maybe I'm on the wrong track entirely. Maybe my problem is that I am spending too much energy “fighting” and not concentrating enough on healing? Or maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. I'm only on week three of a four week doxycycline protocol to treat Lyme Disease.

A friend of mine suggested I see a Naturopath because they can further investigate where the energy loss is coming from ~ essentially look at all things more closely that an MD doesn't look at and treat it homeopathically. For instance, is my body making enough cortisol? Is my thyroid low? Do I have a hormonal imbalance? They even look at neurotransmitter levels and vitamins in the body. I'm hoping to find a really good Naturopath, one who works under the umbrella of a doctor's office so my insurance will cover the visits, once I'm finished with the antibiotics.

I'm also going to accept the fact this is just my life. I am chronically ill. I am tired of fighting. Its time to look inward and start healing. As Zen teacher, Joko Beck, said: “Our life is always all right. There's nothing wrong with it. Even if we have horrendous problems, it's just our life.” I may not be able to work outside of the home again or socialize a lot, but I have my family and close friends. I have this life ~ this one life ~ so try as you might, I will make the best of it and you will not pull me back in …


  1. Hang in there. I was told that week three is rough one and it gets a lot worse before it gets better. There is a naturopath in my town that is Lyme literate that I would love to go to as I heard they really know there stuff but no money to do it. I think it is a shame when we can't take care of our bodies and get the help we need because we can't pay for it. I hope you find someone good to help you to find a better path that is your healthy life. Thanks for sharing. Sending lots of healing energy your way. <3 Diana

  2. Great post, very well written. I hope you do both, fight AND heal. Love you. Todd

  3. So many emotions - I can really relate - loss and acceptance all wrapped up together

  4. I'm also going to accept the fact this is just my life. I am chronically ill. I am tired of fighting. Its time to look inward and start healing.

    I have reached that place as well. It is not giving up to accept the fact that we have a (currently) noncurable invisible illness. There is peace in accepting that -- that sounds hokey, but I don't say it lightly.

    Just want you to know that I read every post that you write -- keep up the great writing and please know you are not alone.

  5. What a great analogy. I've never thought about my pain as a member of the Italian mob before, but now that I am, I like it. It makes complete sense, actually. I also think that accepting your pain is a big step towards gaining some relief. I've been reading some of the advice at, and there's some great stuff there about FM, including how to deal with fibro fog. Keep up the great posts, I'll be coming back here for sure.